Gm, I offer my sincerest congratulations (condolences?) that you find yourself in the treacherous Colosseum, more colloquially known as the shitcoin slot machine. Unfortunately for you, MVHQ denizens tend toward big brain activity, and as such, it’s our prerogative to comprise the inaugural A-stream/extension class of this casino in the absence of NFT vital signs (baby come back) and our subsequent inability to feel anything. As someone who has stumbled through this arena in weeks past, knuckles bloody and voice hoarse, I’ve witnessed tear-jerking L's, life-changing W's and everything in between. Hence, I’ve condensed my learnings into a study sheet I’m hereby designating the Jasmine Crammer for Shitcoin Delinquents to help us all succeed in our SATs (Shitcoins and Tears). While this lasts, at least.
Through completion of this unit, you’ll attain proficiency in exercising glorified gambling skills, applicable to a wide range of illustrious industries including casinos, sports betting, interventionists, divorce law and, of course, shitcoins. Course components are modelled on the biblical seven heavenly virtues because... God help us:
So, young keyboard warrior, you’ve made the impolitic decision to enter this arena. Learn this section and learn it well. As in NFTs: for every winner, there is a loser. Unlike in NFTs, we’re dealing with a litany of coins that have little to no utility, narrative, artistic value nor product offerings, superimposed on a trade structure that crashes charts and dreams in seconds, most often with minimal recourse and abundant psychological turmoil. The greater fool theory argues that one can sell overvalued assets to an even greater fool, which is apropos to coins which intrinsically carry no value whatsoever. Yes, we’re all fools, thanks for playing. Price changes are most often random, and little regard exists for the niceties often observed in NFTs such as innovation, vision, community and allll that jazz. Even our latest bastion, $PEPE, is unofficial and one of 10,000 coins to carry its ticker. Going forward, be cognisant of the fact it’s all meaningless. Avoid attachment. Keep your dopamine reward system in check. Most of all, only (ab?)use what you can afford to lose.
I present to you the regnant strategies of this space: swing trading and degen’ing. Pick your fighter.
Swing trading refers to speculation on the ebb and flow of established coins, generally with market capitalisation of millions of dollars. Swings occur according to similar tenets of NFT trading, such as listings on major exchanges, changes to liquidity, social media publicity or team updates. In many cases, a successful swing trade will net you within the realm of 100-200%, an unarguably juicy stimmy. This is old news, however, and undoubtedly not what you’re here for. Sometimes the road most travelled is the road best left behind…
Degen shitcoining is how you conjure bags (italicised for dramatic effect). For example, turning 1 ETH into 27 ETH, 0.2 ETH into 40, or 1 ETH into 100+ within days (extra credit for sleuthing these non-fictional examples). Entering earlier than the bird that got the worm is paramount, with the key indicator being a market cap of 100-200k and steady trading volume. With countless coins clocking in at over 1 million in recent weeks, this is the quickest way to bolster your holdings - all these moons have me feeling like Jupiter (Io is a personal favourite). Of course, proceed with caution as honeypots and rugs abound, https://dextools.io and https://tokensniffer.com are your best friends.
A note on loss minimisation. If a coin is performing swimmingly, it’s never malpractice to withdraw your initial investment and merely ride profits, given how quickly prices can fluctuate. I’ve round tripped profits approximately a shit ton of times (source: trust me). Additionally, if you’re anticipating moon potential, cautious amounts of <0.1 ETH are sufficient. Only gambling what you’re willing to lose is a fixture of this course and, incidentally, the best principle since sliced bread, get used to it.
Figure 3.1: Jasmine’s Formula For Success (FFS)
FFS is my parsimonious attempt at a formulaic approach to something disjunctive. Just like that sentence. Let’s break it down.
Essentials refers to a rudimentary analysis of the coin in question to avoid shadowy absconding of muh funds. Major features to be aware of include contract verification, buy/sell taxes, modification of tax, liquidity locking, ownership and whether transfers are limited/pausable. I’ll endlessly extol the virtues of TokenSniffer and DEXtools (particularly the DEXTscore section pictured) in enabling quick rug potential analysis.
Entry refers to, surprisingly, your entry point. Unless something has longer-term potential ($PEPE, $WOJAK, $TURBO, etc.) and I’m attempting a swing trade, I’ll endeavour to throw my hat into the ring while MCap remains around 100-200k. Ensure you peruse the trading activity to avoid peregrinations into graveyard territory.
Memetic power is the kicker this season. Millennia of evolution, biological scrutiny and scrupulous natural selection have culminated in our unrivalled ability to latch onto farcical pop-cultural icons. Let social networks work for you. The more absurd, the better. Note topical phenomena such as AI-borne tokens, and important days of the Gregorian calendar – weed-themed baggies were made on 4/20, and may the force, in all its lispi-ness, be with your funds on May 4th.
??? Profit. Sometimes. I'd be lying by omission if I didn't emphasise the often arbitrary nature of success here.
Look, your competence in manually trading tokens via Uniswap is extremely attractive. Flexing your mastery of contact address copypasta, manual slippage and transaction submission might fool me, but it pales in comparison to the one-click wonders of Maestro with automatic slippage control and sandwich attack protection. Not sponsored, I swear. Just accept the help degen, install telegram and purloin a glorious sniping bot at: https://www.maestrobots.com/. I can’t vouch for the security of your funds or data beyond the 2-3 weeks I’ve been using Maestro without issue, so I’d recommend creating a burner wallet through the bot and depositing ETH, rather than importing your MetaMask. The anti-rug protection is a personal favourite, as well as the tracker for all my current positions. See my setup below:
As for bragging about your Ws. Well, who cares about that? Inspire us all, humility is overrated anyway.
Once you see it shilled ubiquitously throughout the pastures of Twitter, be aware that you’re probably exit liquidity. Let’s retain our virtue and avoid being cluster-fucked by the Shilluminati. There’s a not-so-secret collective of tenebrous figures (think wizards residing in Soho) who enjoy the rarefied pastime of pumpanomics. I’m not at liberty to disclose the member list, unfortunately – I’d rather not mysteriously disappear, thank you very much. You’re probably aware of a handful of such shillors, so good practice is to scrutinise presale addresses for their presence or use a bot such as Apelike to notify you of certain entrants. Buying pre-shill is an invaluable strategy, never be their greater fool, anon.
This one’s rather straightforward. If you see potential, extra credit for paying it forward in a way that surpasses merely dropping a link/address in chat. Someone wise recently expressed to me the importance of including “a sentence as to why this isn’t shit.” Words of poetry and abyssal poignance. Link a Twitter account, comment on the aforementioned essentials, or provide some kind of description. My Chrome tabs are weary, bloated, and crying out for reprieve. Everyone from Telegram to Discord will regard you with god-tier reverence.
Your eyes are bloodshot, your phalanges skeletal, your sanity somewhere in 2022, and you haven’t touched a blade of grass in days. Drink water, confirm the existence of the Sun once in a while, and avoid trading emotionally. Patience is a virtue, keep grinding and you’ll get there.
Take profits. Never gamble more than you’re willing to lose. Course completed, you’re now a virtuous virtuoso. And all that jas(mine).
Follow my new (hopefully temporary) Twitter @jasmineliights, I managed to bore Elon to the point of permanent suspension with my lack of transgressions, so Professor Jasmine now accepts favours for extra credit. 😉